Official international soccer organizations recently ranked Greece in sixth place as regards the quality of its game and level of competitiveness. From the moment this enviable honor was bestowed upon us, and apparently in order to celebrate our success, we dedicated ourselves to admirable pursuits, which we hope will help us attain a higher ranking, possibly even the top spot (which we would have already reached were it not for a prevailing anti-Hellenism). So, we set up an ambush for our enemies, we firebombed their cars (this is progress; last year we torched the cars of wayward players from teams we supported!), we knifed them. Flanked by five «bodyguards,» we paid a midnight visit to the home of our star striker with the aim of wounding his self-respect at the very least. These are no mean feats, but if they are not enough to convince international critics to upgrade us, they only have to consider the many shining examples from our past before bestowing upon us the recognition we deserve – such as the decision that a certain footballer (who «won’t do» for us anymore, even though he’s become a veritable goal machine) should have his salary withheld for months because he was seen in a bar after midnight. And if this is still not enough, critics can also consider the quality of our soccer grounds and the caliber of club managers, who know the law inside out, having wriggled out of its clutches in order to continue their contribution to civilization.